


Sansa's Buttermilk Bosoms

by Queenofthebees



Category: A Song of Ice and Fire & Related Fandoms, A Song of Ice and Fire - George R. R. Martin, Game of Thrones (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Based on a Tumblr Post, Chatting & Messaging, F/M, Fluff and Crack, Sort Of, this is just silliness
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-17
Updated: 2018-04-17
Packaged: 2019-04-22 10:27:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,691
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14306718
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Queenofthebees/pseuds/Queenofthebees
Summary: Buttermilk Bosoms: Lol this is hilarious!Hot Pearlescent Sperm: What an apt name Sansa! ;)Jon froze as a sudden urge to track down and kill Theon overcame him.Engorged Pecker: How THE FUCK do you know what her bosoms look like???!!Crack fic based on silliness in discord.





	Sansa's Buttermilk Bosoms

**Author's Note:**

> This was supposed to be smut due to having 69 messages in my inbox the other day but, meh. I wasn't in the mood for it lol. But I might come back to this again and have Jon really appreciate the buttermilk bosoms haha.

Jon was always reluctant to open anything Tormund sent him via chat, especially when at work. And when Theon messaged a moment later Jon knew instantly that this was going to be a crude chat he was joining.

It was hard to tell which of them was worse when it came to crude humour and the odd graphic gif thrown in to make Jon splutter and slam his finger on the home button of his phone before anyone noticed it over his shoulder.

But he was finished now and no excuse to not look at the chat. Tormund made sure to let him know by sending him a text to say he could read the messages not that he was finished work.

Jon sometimes wondered if sharing a flat with Tormund had really been his best idea.

So, he opened up the chat and frowned at the link Tormund had put in it. All it had underneath was a line of laughing emojis and “GUYS YOU HAVE TO READ THIS!!”

Theon had commented right underneath that he was just wheezing out laughter now and he was pretty sure he was going to die but it was worth it.

Frowning, Jon clicked the link and was taken to Tormund’s tumblr post that showed a passage from a book. While Jon shouldn’t have been surprised at the fact Tormund would send him raunchy passages from erotic novels, he was surprised at the content itself.

“What the hell is dick parkinsons?” he muttered to himself. A harsh sniff beside him made him look up and he sheepishly smiled at the old lady who looked down her nose at him.

Scrolling down, he shook his head at the language being used, shaking with his attempts of not bursting out laughing like an absolute idiot. He suspected he must have looked a bit like a blow fish with watery eyes as he attempted to control himself.

He re-entered the chat, snorting loudly when he noticed that Tormund had changed his name to Dick Attack. Theon had changed it to Hot Pearlescent Sperm. He wondered if Sam, Robb, Arya, Gendry or Sansa had seen this yet and if they would join in.

Logging into his settings, he changed his username and returned to the chat, typing out a quick note to say that he was joining in the fun. Instantly, he could see Tormund writing a reply and scoffed at the predictable answer.

Dick Attack: You can't have engorged pecker Snow! I've seen it!

Engorged Pecker: Just because you have a massive penis that could knock someone out once freed. I feel I'm at least average.

He cast a look between his thighs as if he could check his dick through his clothes. He definitely wasn't small, he wasn't. And pfft, so what if he was a little smaller - which he wasn't! - he knew how to please his partners so, yeah. Fuck Tormund's insults.

The woman was glaring at him again and Jon realised he was still glowering at his crotch.

Clearing his throat, he returned his attention to the chat. His eyes nearly bulged out of his head when he noticed Sansa had joined in the conversation.

Buttermilk Bosoms: Lol this is hilarious!

Hot Pearlescent Sperm: What an apt name Sansa! ;)

Jon froze as a sudden urge to track down and kill Theon overcame him.

Engorged Pecker: How THE FUCK do you know what her bosoms look like???!!

_What I wouldn't give to find out for myself._

Hot Pearlescent Sperm: Well this one time, at band camp...

Dick Attack: I suppose with her skin though it is reasonable to guess she would have nice butter-milky tits.

Buttermilk Bosoms: Aww thanks Tormund.

Hot Pearlescent Sperm: Sansa has the best tits, it is known!

Robb: WHY ARE WE TALKING ABOUT MY SISTER'S BOOBS?

Hot Pearlescent Sperm: Why have you not got a dirty name? The universe has many unanswered questions Robb.

_Arya left the conversation_

Dick Attack: Oi! Get back here midget!

Hot Pearlescent Sperm: Aryaaaaaaaa! Work those galloping abs back to this convo!

Jon stared blankly at the screen, still thinking the worse case scenario that Sansa would rather sleep with Theon than with him. It shouldn't surprise him really, he has known the whole time he has had this stupid crush on her that he wasn't her type and she wouldn't look twice at him in terms of boyfriend material. But still, the thought of  _Theon_ winning her around. He had to be a better boyfriend than Theon!

As the bus pulled in to the stop and Jon got on, he found himself opening a new chat with Sansa, his thumb hovering over the keypad as he debated whether to just leave it or continue and sound like a jealous idiot. Well, he  _was_ a jealous idiot, he supposed and shrugging in acceptance of this fact, he typed out a message.

Engorged Pecker: Theon hasn't really seen your tits has he?

_Wow Snow. Smooth._

Buttermilk Bosoms: *snorts* No!

Buttermilk Bosoms: People will only ever get to see these beauties if I want them to.

Jon released his breath, letting his head fall back against the seat. Okay, he was still too cowardly to ask her out but at least he knew that Theon hadn't seen her tits. He jumped as his phone buzzed again and opened the screen.

"Fuck!" he cried and instantly cringed as the old lady's head whipped around to level him with a glare that really gave truth to the phrase 'if looks could kill'. Yet, even with the embarrassment of his outburst, he couldn't really bring himself to care as he stared at his phone screen again. His phone screen where a picture of Sansa's perky, milky tits and hard pink nipples greeted him.

Buttermilk Bosoms: Would you say they're buttermilk colour or...? 

_Am I drooling? Fuck, I'm drooling._

Buttermilk Bosoms: Want me to validate your engorged pecker name?" ;)

_Wait....is she asking for a dick pic?_

 

Buttermilk Bosoms: My place is a few stops before yours... if you're interested.

Buttermilk Bosoms: Which, based on a reliable source (and by that I mean my own eyes) you are?

Engorged Pecker: Oh...you noticed me staring huh?

Buttermilk Bosoms: Yup. And perhaps you would have noticed me staring back if you had been looking at my eyes rather than my bosoms!

Glancing out of the window, he realised he was just a couple of stops away from her flat. He reached out and pressed the button quickly and headed to the front of the bus. The lady's eyes followed him and Jon gave her a sheepish smile while being careful to face away from her. If she saw he was half hard he may be beaten to death with her handbag!

He sent her a quick text to say he was there as the bus pulled into the stop. The bus had barely stopped before he leapt from it and walked briskly to Sansa's block of flats. The door buzzed almost as soon as he pressed the buzzer and, as he took the steps two at a time, he managed to think of how he really was living up to the stereotype of men being led by their cocks.

Yet, when Sansa opened the door in just a lacy black robe that stopped mid thigh and hid nothing. His greedy eyes wandered down her body, honing in on the black lacy knickers covering her cunt. She smirked as he unconsciously licked his lips and crooked a finger, beckoning him inside.

"Pants off Snow," she commanded, leaning back against the door with a predatory smile. "Let me see if you live up to your name."

Jon gulped even as his cock hardened further. Bossy Sansa was even hotter than regular Sansa, he thought briefly as he fumbled with his belt. He felt his cheeks flush as her eyes continued to fix on his crotch, watching as his clothing came away and his cock bobbed free. She grinned, raising her eyes to his and slowly darting her tongue across her lips as she held his gaze and Jon whimpered, clutching the surface of the breakfast counter behind him as he realised he was most likely going to cum as soon as she touched him if she kept looking at him like that.

"Well," she purred, stalking towards him. "You never disappoint me, do you Jon Snow?"

***

Dick Attack: Hey! Where did Jon and Sansa go?

Hot Pearlescent Sperm: He is probably attacking her with his dick. Getting hot pearlescent sperm all over her buttermilk bosoms.

Robb: STOP IT!

Dick Attack: Well, he hasn't come home yet and he finished over two hours ago!

Robb glared at the screen, huffing his annoyance through his nose. Jon was his best friend, he would never break the bro code, Robb assured himself. Jon might have the biggest crush on Sansa, Lord knows he wasn't subtle. But Robb knew that Jon would sit him down and tell him his good intentions towards Sansa and that he would take good care of his little sister. Jon wouldn't just go behind his back like this. Definitely not.

Still, Robb thought with a frown, it was weird that neither of them were speaking now.

He reached for his phone, pressing the call button on Jon's name. He huffed again when it went straight to voicemail. He typed out a message, asking if he fancied going for a pint. After staring at his phone expectantly for ten minutes and still no response, Robb's worst fears began to form in his mind. He opened a new message, his fingers shaking as he typed.

SNOW! YOU BETTER NOT HAVE FUCKED MY SISTER OR I SWEAR I WILL KILL YOU!

Running a hand over his face, he placed his phone down again. He jumped when it buzzed a second later, Sansa's name on the screen next to the message icon.

 _He didn't_.

Robb released a relieved breath, only realsing a second too late that Sansa would only know he had text Jon if she had been beside him and...

His phone buzzed again

_I fucked him ;)._


End file.
